How to save a life

Without going into specifics about my job, sometimes it blows my mind just how much responsibility I have. Yesterday was one of those days that it literally slapped me in the face.

Yesterday I was responsible for 2 lives.
Yesterday I had to tell a patient that she had cancer.
Yesterday I had to listen to another patient sob hysterically on the phone about how she was going to lose everything because she couldn't work and she felt like she wasn't being taken care of.
Yesterday my heart broke because there was nothing that I could do to help either one of them.
Yesterday I hated my job. I hated the responsibilities. I hated the fact that I held people's lives in my hands.
Yesterday the heaviness in my heart was all consuming.

Today...

Today I have decided that I refuse to let those incidents define me or drag me down.
Today I am making the conscious decision that I will do everything I can do to help anyone I can help, regardless of circumstance or personal opinion.
Today I will call the patient with cancer and check on her and let her know that I am thinking about her and that she can call me with any questions.
Today, I will break whatever rules I have to in order to get the other patient, who is dying, the care that she so desperately needs.
Today I will be my own advocate...my own patients advocate.

Today I will make a difference.

Good day sunshine

Today..the rain has stopped.

Finally.

Today...

Today I want to grab a picnic blanket and a bottle of wine and a good book and go lay down in a grassy meadow and drink wine, munch on cheese and grapes, read, and make shapes out of the clouds. I want to feel the sunshine warm all the bones in my body as the tension just slowly melts away with each passing minute until I drift off for an afternoon nap.

Instead, I guess I will go to a meeting in a cold conference room and day dream about what I wish I were doing.

Le Sigh.

Speed Bump

My mom calls them speed bumps. She discovered the analogy right after my step father passed away, and I find it quite perfect. She would say that she would be fine...cruising down the highway of life, everything seemingly ok, and then she would hit a "speed bump" and lose control of her emotions. It was how we justified that little outbreak of tears that somehow manages to sneak back in, taking us totally by surprise.

Today is a speed bump day. I was doing fine. I would even go as far as to say I was doing great. There was no overwhelming sadness..just a little twinge of pain and emptiness every once in a while when I would stumble upon something that was so "us". But...overall I was doing fine. Then, today. I guess because it's been raining non stop. Or because I'm sleeping alone. Or maybe, it was a "just because" with no real rhyme or reason to it. Either way, today kinda hurts. Today is a sucky day.

Today is a speed bump day.

I really hope tomorrow is better.

Catharsis

Have you ever just stared blankly at a fresh screen, wanting to write, but not being able to? The words, the emotions, the feelings are bubbling just underneath the surface of the skin. You keep smiling and keep the cheerful tone in your voice hoping that eventually you can even convince yourself that everything is fine.

Everything is fine.

You pretend not to be affected by the knot that has seemingly taken up residence in the bottom of your throat. You blink a lot, as if doing so will somehow will away the tears that keep threatening to come just any second. You press your tongue to the roof of your mouth hard to stop the emotion that has almost broken down the door to freedom.

Everything is fine.

Answer questions with a certain sense of vagueness. When someone asks something more specific you simply shake your head as if to say "I'm sorry...I just don't have enough time to go into that right now". You think back to times before..how did I get through this then? Will this time be as painful? Will it go on as long? Jesus Christ....what now?

Everything is fine.  

Welcome to me.

Yes. I'm new.

Bust out the streamers, balloons and banners.

Skip the clowns.

Let's go down this road y'all.

-C